So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
