Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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