dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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