very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
