I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
