Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
There r osticjed everywhere
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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