Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
