when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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