last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize