Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
