I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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