Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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