maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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