I just saw a hot homeless man
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
