I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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