You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I need a burrito and a hug.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize