also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
