I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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