trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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