So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Randomize
