the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
