The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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