tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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