I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
