My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
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