I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
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