I heard we made out
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
