Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
