I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
