Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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