Plan B is the new Plan A
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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