Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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