how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
