..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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