she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
