Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
They took my balls.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
