Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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