Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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