What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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