Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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