go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
