i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
