it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
