Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
