you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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