maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize