Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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