Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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