why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
