I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
