I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Randomize
