When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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