upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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