I don't usually arrange sex via text message
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
