Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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