OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
