I need help removing her.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
