Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
